Today’s Mom Tears™ are brought to you by “I may not go roaring into the new decade but you are for sure gonna hear me coming ” and “I am afraid of letting go of old ways”
So, here we are New years Eve. I have never been one to put much emphasis on resolutions but always seem to feel a little extra emotional on New Years. Looking back is difficult sorting memories of firsts and lasts has always been something I struggle with. It is easy to let loops play in the mind and get stuck in those moments in time.
I could lie flat out and lead you to believe that 2019 will be missed that it was possibly the best year of my life, but then I would be pulling a curtain closed hoping blindly that you would see only the shiny bits of glitter and falsely think I have my ducks all in a row….
I DON’T even have ducks!!!
What I do have is a house full of people. Each person different and unique as a new day. Let’s not forget I am also a person who wings it when winging is not always the best option.
I have chosen to take the next decade of my life with a wee bit more umpf a bit more try. I am literally terrified thinking about the changes I need to make, and feel a tad sick at the same time.
A quick look back on the last ten…. Wow there are moments where fear and need to survive pushed me to do things I did not think I could. I saw a bit of the girl I knew long ago;
I closed doors.
Opened new ones… they sometimes left me in dark rooms somehow, I found a way out.
I took risks.
I started to believe in myself.
I fell, scraped my knees and perhaps for a split second I saw that the hurts DO NOT define me.
I cried. Oh boy, I cried until there were no tears left and my body ached and cried some more after that.
I most importantly I learned…..
Learning hummmm….. I still don’t know if train A leaves the station at noon going 100mps and train B leaves at 1:15pm going 120mps will they pass each other? Will they crash?
The damn trains are in different parts of the world blissfully unaware of each others ETA just travelling their routes, chugging along doing their best with cargo accounted for, the end in mind without clear vision of it.
Kinda like us.
This time as I prepare to pull away from the station, I am tossing the muddied door mat too many have used to wipe their feet upon. I am going to try (Really try) to make more stops on the way focus less on keeping “IT” together and just being …. UGH …… Yeah that’s code for being more social and not praying for some kind of natural disaster a full 24 hours before going out to have “fun” Then spending the rest of the time worrying if I have said something stupid, and if when I leave I have become the punch line to a joke.
I am old enough to know the end of my line is closer than the beginning and smart enough to hold on tight because I cannot see what is around the bend. I do not care to go 100mps, nor do I care to go 120mps but if my path crosses yours and you hear quacking watch out we may not be neatly in a row and may resemble more of a circus side show/ rodeo /ornate poorly choreographed dance recital but there is room for you and a good chance I have snuck chocolate on board….
P.S. Did you really think I would not have ample supply of chocolate heading into the New Year?!?!?