Today’s Mom Tears™ are brought to you by “Back packs full of bricks” and “Go ahead make a wish”

I have very recently decided that for as morbid as it may seem I want a cake at my funeral.  Not just any cake a delicious, scrumptious chocolate, vanilla combo with a rich butter icing. There must also be enough for everyone to take a slice home.

Oh, how I love cake. They are brought out after special meals, occasions worth celebrating and except for the one birthday party I attended as a child; I don’t think it is humanly possible to have this sweet desert and cry.

Just this week we had another birthday in the house. The birthday girl picked out breakfast for dinner. No problem. Her special day, she gets to choose the meal. I zipped into town after work to make sure I had all requirements made to have a full breakfast menu prepared.

What I was NOT ready for was the sadness I had when stopping at another shop to pick up the few things she had asked for gifts.

There was no mention of dolls. Not one hint towards a shopkins, no silly bits or bobs. Instead her list was compiled of items for her room, a few craft things and wee facial packs. I was struck with a sudden weight.

There have been so many times I was quick to tell the older gang members to stop being silly and focus. Perhaps with too much haste. It is very easy to get caught in the moments of commotion here because there is always someone at my shirt tugging it to get my attention….. then I am hit out of the blue wondering how they are all growing up…. YIKES some are grown! I am at the top of the hill and after such a long climb the ride down will be quick and then what?

I carry my mom guilt in a backpack. (Truthfully these have never been one of my fav fashion accessories so even empty its straps dig into my shoulders) It feels like I have filled it with bricks. I’m not sure when the exact moment came when six out of seven kiddos picked up or wanted a new toy. When did the shift from carefree kid turn into a pre-teen with angst? How could I have forgotten those moments but still remember with exact detail the very first time I held each of them.

I can hear my mothers words and those of my grandmother as well…
Hummmm
it seems they were right. I have the joy of having grown kids who choose to spend time here at home, teens who can’t wait to go out into the world or the very least into town to hang with friends, a little one who is still under the naïve delusion I have most of the answers. (Bless his heart cause truthfully, I have no clue what the $@*& I’m doing!!)

Time is the great healer they say. I am standing in the center of this beautiful mess of my life and the one thing I cannot heal from is missing each set of tiny arms reaching for me for a snuggle or to kiss a boo boo. I’m sure in ten years I will have an achy heart from missing the chaos of today.

As my youngest daughter sliced into her cake to make a wish, I will never hear part of this old mom wished I could scoop her up and watch her nestle in for a nap in my arms just one more time. The other part of me wished right along side her…..how beautiful a smile full of hope and wonder is.

❤ Leigh
©2019