Today’s Mom Tears™ are brought to you by “Welcome to the end” and “This is your beginning”
A few months ago, I had a public and very embarrassing break down. During it I kept thinking; this is it this is how I am going to die. Right here on a Saturday night in front of people. How am I going to hold it all together? How in Gods name am I going to continue to swallow all of these thoughts and feelings regain any dignity, plaster a smile on my face appear strong, giggle this all away and lead everyone there to believe I had my shit together?
OK, ok the fear of dying may have been a tad dramatic but in the moment, it was very real to me.
As an over thinker I have spent hours (too many) replaying the events. I am able to breathe through them now and appreciate what happened. Weird right?
I felt that any amount of respect anyone could possibly scrape together when thinking of me was lost (in what I slowly came to embrace as the end) was going to disappear. I was so caught up in the moment that I could not see what was next…. My beginning.
Having control whether it is for self or situation is a complete and utter farce. Its not like you wake up at eighteen and are gifted all the wisdom of every single adult to have roamed the earth is bestowed upon you. Hummm it took me until 46 to realize the best control is to release what you can no longer bear on your own. It was actually quite selfish and arrogant of me to hold all of the things I did inside. Sure no one wants to hear my ramblings of how spoons are only to be used for soup, cereal and ice cream but the people in my life, the ones who willingly choose to be in it are not just there for the sparkly glitter. They have their own sparkle to spread and want to share it! It is not up to me to choose who sticks around when things are not social media perfect….
Wait for it….
Its up to them!
Have I received any scathing phone calls? Has anyone crossed the street when seeing me approach?
I was instead given yet another gift. The gift of words.
“No one said you had to do this alone”
“I am here”
“What can I do?”
You’ve got to go through it to get to it never was meant to be a motto for a road traveled alone. Yes, life will toss you some messy (horrid) things to deal with but in the end, your end whatever that may be is also a welcoming to a beginning, your beginning.
So many pieces and parts of me have ended. Each single one hurt when the time came to let go. Each left me with choices. Some made me stronger, more understanding, completely broken. None left me defeated…. each was a part of who I used to be. Each left space for who I am becoming.
If you feel like you are at the end keep moving YOUR beginning is coming.
*note: A stubborn mule can learn new tricks. Only an ass continues to stand in front of a locked gate thinking things will change. Ummmm I don’t want to be an ass😉