Today’s Mom Tears™ are brought to you by “Skating on thin ice” and “Sometimes I want to run away”
No one ever said parenting was easy…. That is probably a lie… I am sure that somewhere in the great book of parenting someone has actually said it. I am assuming this rebel lived alone, on an island, completely isolated with an abundance of wine and chocolate that magically appeared parenting the heck out of a bunch of coconuts.
I am not this person.
I can and do make chocolate disappear. I have the same gift with wine. The appearing part requires effort. Thankfully I am a keen shopper and keep well stocked in treats so effort is truly minimal. That does not change the very normal feeling of wanting to run away!
Listen, being a mom is by far the best feeling in the world. I am very blessed. I would not want a life without any one of my kiddos. It takes all seven for me to have a complete heart. I cannot nor will I profess ease in parenting. I cannot lie straight faced and say that every day here in the glittery trenches is something out of a Disney movie. Cause its not!!!
There are times I think about a wee brown suitcase I had as a child. It was quite nice, complete with satin lining and a mirror. I have distinct memories of packing it up on more than one occasion and plotting my escape. I was not allowed to pass either corner on my street, ummm I was not allowed to cross the street.
What was a girl to do?
Always resourceful I filled the case with Kleenex (Yes, dramatics were needed when running away. I mean the thoughts of my parents distraught with missing their oldest daughter caused me to weep) A hairbrush, one must always look put together. An outfit, no explanation needed and lastly my good ol’teddy bear…. rammed in to fit so I could snap the suitcase shut.
This particular night I do remember feeling quite upset and thoughts of getting even with my parents seemed to propel me forward with my plan.
I remember creeping down the stairs and slipping out the door, running down the front hill plunking myself in the ditch. I was a non-rule breaking rebel. There I sat in the rain staring at the house I just ran away from.
I felt justified.
It was not long until a neighbor opened their door and called me in. I begged for them not to call my mom. They did of course. I also now realize that she probably watched the events unfolding out the front window.
There we sat the run away and the neighbours sipping tea as I recounted the events which lead to my disappearance. I did not understand as a child that the rules and expectations my parents had were not to shackle or confine who I was. They were boundaries of love and protection. The same expectation and wants I have for my own brood.
How does any of this lead into my desire to pack up and go sit in the ditch now? I suppose the desire for simpler times, times when I could rest my head with the biggest worries being how I would complete an assignment first thing in the morning or avoid a chore just a bit longer.
I now am on the other side of the parenting fence and try with all my might to enforce rules and chores to teach my children that life is not always fair, easy or fun but with a bit of team effort everything is possible. Five people working together for an hour is five hours’ worth of work, if it is left to one person that’s a pretty big day around everything else that needs done.
It does get overwhelming trying to encourage the rest of the team to stay on task. There are days I feel completely, entirely overwhelmed with the responsibilities of raising this gang. There is little to no glory in the everyday. Their hurts and fails feel like my own. How deep the cuts are; how paralyzing the pain. I want to protect each of them from the world and at times themselves, I can’t. I am learning all to slowly; faster than one can grasp that I am unable too. Some are old enough to make choices of their own some I can still direct into options I know may make things a little easier. Each will and needs to learn at his or her own pace as I stand by on the thin ice of life packing and unpacking my little suitcase wondering what will be the item that causes me to lean in with all my weight in order for it to snap shut.