Today’s Mom Tears™ are brought to you by “I’m in the bathroom, I can’t help you right now” and “Is anyone bleeding? Is anything broken? Then you can wait a minute!”
Don’t think for a second, I would not give my last breath for any one of my kiddos. I would. Without question, without hesitation.
BUT SERIOUSLY I would like to enter the washroom while I still have some of my mental faculties about me either alone or without someone knocking on the door asking what I’m doing in there!
its been almost 24 years since I have enjoyed any washroom activity without company. At the rate I am currently going I will be well into my early ninety’s before I have the opportunity to do so. I am trying to decide if I should start telling the gang exactly what I am doing!! How scared do you think any of them would be to hear “I’m trying to squish my right pancaked boob into this super cute bra that was made for a twenty something girl who has not breast fed seven babies” Or “Because one does not wear glasses into the shower I am preforming minor acrobatics in order to wax/pluck/shave unwanted hairs that are currently turning grey and I am stacking the buggers on the sink beside your tooth brush that you left out so I can look at them in disgust once I regain balance” Or “I am applying lip cream, eye cream, some goop I picked up at the hardware store while doing squats and kegels gently tapping my extra chin. Why???? So, I can fool people into thinking I have my shit together when we walk out the door” Let’s not even entertain the idea of telling the washroom invaders that I actually have to on occasion use the toilet. My sons are disgusted with the idea of any females body making any noise, smell, or function that theirs do….. I shall save the antics of my male children regarding body noises, smells, and what not for another day; you are welcome. Though they find all of it quite hilarious, I do not.
Who knew a door being closed could cause such grief among the pack of complaint filled, grievance overloaded, tattle tailing, climb up into the hay mow to get a bike down yet unable to find a speck of food to eat unless it is prepared for them freeloaders!!! I have resorted to simply shouting in the direction of the door in a loving manner (ok, ok there is little love in my angelic voice “Is Anything broken?” “Is there blood?” “Unless there is impending death WAIT A MINUTE” This lasts for almost the entire sixty seconds but with so many seagulls in the house it usually continues the entire duration of my washroom break which also includes wiping the counter, rinsing the sink and at least once a day cursing as I bend to wipe someone’s pee off the floor from around the toilet. “mom” “Mom” MoM” “MOM” “mOm” “moM” from the other side of the darn door!!
If ever you hear someone softly singing way off key in your washroom it is just me. Please let me have a few moments of peace and quiet. I promise not to leave a mess.