Today’s Mom Tears™ are brought to you by “Why me?” and “Even in my worst moments, the kiddos saw something I never knew I had”
Life is not always fair. A statement that ironically really holds zero weight. What is fair to you may not seem fair to me. There is not a gauge that measures fairness like that of a bathroom scale measuring the extra snacks snuck in while professions of portion control are touted in the faces of the crowds as you stand by in disbelief of your ever-increasing pant size. This life this magical opportunity to live in the here and now is all we each get. What you decide to do with it is the only true thing that is yours.
I am frustrated beyond belief with the clunker of a bod I am fortunate enough to call my own. (The noise you are hearing in the back ground is me ugly faced sobbing with hints of I feel sorry for myself and DAMN IT I’M MAD! Sorry about that, I’ll get over myself soon enough…. maybe?)
I suppose when we all hear things we don’t want to the first reaction is “Why ME?” The people in our lives are caught up in their own journeys and at some point, each of us is left to think about the “Now what?” on our own. Some of our crews expect life to carry on as it did. Some expect a showering of grace to be rained down on the recipient of shity news and a magic wand of understanding to start bipy-bopity- booing all the yuck away. Well; I for one always seem to need an extra minute to wrap my thinking of the this is how it is. This is how its going to need to be. This is how I am going to try to maneuver from point A to point B without forgetting to look after all of the hidden points that are screaming for attention.
Life is not always going to work out the way we have it mapped out. There are many factors that pull our “worlds” in directions we could never have planned for nor wanted to even look at. Then for some unclear reason sparkles peek through the mess and energy is found to take one more step.
Are the steps confident? Are they Forward moving? Not necessarily.
HANG ON its OK!!
If you had of asked me five years ago if I saw myself wrapped in a blanket on a snowy afternoon tapping away on a keyboard dealing with issues that quite truthfully, I would rather shove under a carpet in an old abandon house, I most likely would have looked at the ground and crumbled.
I poke fun at my age, the map of wrinkles stretching across my face, the persistent chin hairs that keep popping up (SERIOUSLY…. That can knock it off any time!) The mess of being a mom and the realities of trying to balance everything while still trying to figure out who the heck I am and exactly where do I fit into this majestic world. And truthfully at times overwhelmed with the underwhelming truths of being a mom, most days I feel like I have failed miserably, most of the time I am hanging on by the skin of my teeth paired with a lipstick to help brighten a smile that takes more work than I will admit.
The gift of hearing can be a curse when words said are not ones you want to hear. I do not want to deal with autoimmune issues any longer. I have too. I do not want to feel like a discarded dishcloth, I want to be a brand new scrubby all full of colour! I want to zip up and fill the days with adventure and heck yeah a bit of chaos. I want to dance in the kitchen with the music way too loud past eight pm. Right now, right now I cannot.
I will…. just not today.
Am I allowed to be angry and have the grace captured on made for tv movies elude me?
“WHY NOT ME?”
I will forever see myself as a girl trapped in this bod. A body that has for all of my critical views of it has held up not too badly. A little weather beaten perhaps but full of remember when, and the marks it has are not scars of battles won or lost but braille of a life lived with feeling too deep and marked from tears of more joy than sorrow.
Hummm …. Why me? Why not me? Why?
Well; while I sat and listened to my little girls school speech about me, about how she saw me as strong, as fun and mentioned my keen vocal skills (OK. Ok. She did say BAD singing) It all clicked.
If it was not me. If it were any other woman in her life the impact of tears, frustrations, outbursts and complete lack of grace filled even lost angry moments. Would any of this had the same effect on her?
Somewhere somehow no hole is deeper than can be crawled out of. There is strength in honest raw emotion. There is strength in the hearts of those who see us clearly in our messiest moments and I am learning that they are able to see far more than we chose to see in ourselves.